Hope

Hi everyone! I’m so sorry I’ve not been posting for so long. I’ve tried so many times to get a post ready, but I’ve been horribly busy, and a lot of things got in the way.

“Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?”
Romans 8:24

Today I want to share with you a part of my life that I am struggling with. You probably already know, but I’m ill, and I have been for almost a year now. I got mononucleosis (glandular fever) last July, and while I was recovering from it, which takes months, I got bacterial meningitis (I was in hospital over my 16th birthday). When I came out of hospital, there were a lot of odd things happening to me; one of them was that I felt like my personality was different, and I wasn’t sure who I was. It was scary, but I thought it was an aftereffect of the meningitis (since meningitis affects the brain and nervous system) and that it would pass eventually. But over the next few months, while some things got better, most of them got worse, and I was eventually told in February that I have M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis), which is a [usually] permanent neurological (brain/nerve) disease with an unknown cause. At first, I was happy to know nothing worse was wrong with me, but then I had to learn to cope with the fact that I may be ill for the rest of my life.
I couldn’t understand why God had let this happen to me, although I knew He must have a reason. I was angry for a while, and then I realised that was silly. But I was still confused and afraid of the future; I didn’t know what would happen to me.
Since then I’ve slowly been getting worse. I have to stay in bed often, because I’m too weak to walk farther than the bathroom, and if I try to do more it makes me more ill. My muscles are starting to waste away because I can’t use them enough, and I’m in pain most of the time. And since the illness affects my brain too, sometimes I can’t understand what people are saying, or form a reasonable sentence. This is part of the reason I haven’t been posting.
All the time, I get new symptoms, and some of them are pretty scary. Once I had to stay in hospital overnight because I had a seizure that lasted for an entire hour. And three times now I’ve had a bad headache on one side of my head which made me go numb down my entire left side. The doctor thought I may have had a small stroke but he couldn’t tell.
Recently, I found out that my doctor thinks I probably have multiple sclerosis, which is worse than M.E., and always permanent. This really threw me, and I had to deal with wondering why God had allowed this all over again. I started to lose hope of recovery, and faith in God to take care of me. I still loved Him and knew that He loved me, but I stopped trusting in Him, and just last night I realised that I had given up on my life. I’d been living on “autopilot”; forcing myself not to care what happened to me because if I cared, I wouldn’t be able to bear the fear and uncertainty.
But then yesterday, I saw my aunt, and she said that maybe I will get better. I knew that it wasn’t what the doctors have said, but I wanted to believe it with all my heart. The problem was, every time I tried to believe I could get better I started crying, because I was afraid that if I hoped to recover, I might have to go through the pain of realising that I may not recover all over again.
I realised last night that I can’t carry on without hope, but I was afraid to have hope because I didn’t want to face the disappointment of a false hope. I kept telling myself that I had to choose between trusting my aunt, and trusting the doctors, who should know better. But then I suddenly remembered that God says He will take sickness away from us, and heal us. Jesus died for our sins and sickness. So God doesn’t want me to be ill – and He says that we must put our trust in Him. So now, I am choosing between trusting the doctors, or God – which one seems more reliable this time? 😉
I realised something today that I have been forgetting for a long time: with God, there is always hope. And we don’t need a reason to believe in that hole, either. Romans 8:24 lays it out beautifully: “Hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?” What this verse says is that when we are at our lowest, and it looks like nothing could save us from our situation, that is when we have the most hope. Because – it’s true – if we already had what we needed we wouldn’t have to hope for anything! So we are never without hope. And right now, when I feel like my life is hopeless, I’ve realised that truly I have more hope now than ever before. It’s still hard to me to trust completely in God when everything looks bad, but I still know that even if it doesn’t feel like it, there is and always will be hope, and I have a reason to believe that God will protect me and take this illness away from me when the time is right. I know things are going to be okay.
If you’re going through anything bad right now, and it feels hopeless, remember that you always have hope, especially when you can’t see any hope, because if you could see your hope, it wouldn’t be hope, ’cause there would be nothing to hope for!

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12 thoughts on “Hope

  1. wow great post! I’m sorry you are going through so much! I’ve never had to deal with any serious illness. I hope you do get fully better. Just remember that doctors can never be perfectly accurate and there IS hope! 🙂 have a great day!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! What a post! That is awful all that you have to go through. I can sympathize with you in a way–not from my own personal experience, but through watching the experience of one of those I love. My sister has lots of health issues that come out in many strange ways. It is the way her body deals with stress. She has dealt with these things since she was three, but recently, after going through a very stressful situation, they’ve gotten worse. She has never been diagnosed until recently; she was diagnosed with Conversion Disorder. Once, the doctor wondered if she had MS and ordered a test to be done. It came back negative, thankfully. Here is her blog site if you would like to read more about her and what she struggles with: http://servantoftheking95.blogspot.com/
    She has been and continues to be on a rollercoaster of a ride with her health and symptoms, as I’m sure you have, too.
    I’m sorry that you have to deal with these things. We know that all things work out for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose, but I know that that is sometimes really hard to believe. I’ve had to learn a lot in dealing with my sister’s issues, and beyond a doubt, God has used the situations for my good and that of others, to grow us in Him and in learning how to have love and compassion on others. The relief of her symptoms has not yet come, but God is doing a work and we continue learn to hope and trust in Christ.
    May God bless you and bring you hope and trust and even healing, if He sees that that is what is best for you! Thank you so much for sharing.

    Jewels 🙂
    http://www.myjoyfuljourneywithjesus.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I’m sorry to heat about your sister – being ill all the time isn’t fun. 😦 I will check out her blog and be praying for her too. 🙂

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  3. Sorry to hear of your illnesses. Keep up your hope. Doctors are not always 100% right. They are only human. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Nice to hear from you.
    Marilyn

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I was so sad and almost brought to tears by this post; I never knew about your illness! It sounds horrible, and I hope with all my heart that you will live well and recover as much as possible.
    Thank you for this important message of hope – you are so brave to post this and I hope you always remember that God is with you every step of the way.
    Blessings,
    Simi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Simi. It means a lot to me that you took my illness so seriously; it means you understand, which is very hard when you haven’t experienced it. Thank you. 🙂

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  5. I’m sorry to hear what you are going through! Always remember that God is stronger and more powerful than ANY problem in your life. And that you don’t have to be afraid. Thank you Nikki for sharing this to us! I will be praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It’s difficult sometimes, and to be honest, I often feel like there is no hope so all I can do is carry on and wait until I feel less afraid. Thank you for praying for me; it means a lot. 🙂

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  6. WOw. That sounds very difficult. But you’re right, God is always there, and he loves you and cares about you. … Love you girl. 🙂 So does God. GET BETTER! XX

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